Beatroot's predictions for 2012 – Part 1

Yes, it's that time of year when wise heads turn to the future, gaze into a crystal ball and make predictions about the next 365 days.

How accurately the head of a root vegetable like the beatroot could be called wise, I will leave dear reader to judge. But anyway: here's the beatroot's predictions for 2012.

Jaroslaw Kaczynski's head will spontaneously explode in a cauldron of self-righteousness.

I say this with inside knowledge that parts of the leader of Law and Justice's (PiS) person have spontaneous combusted before. In late 2007, for instance, just after PiS embarked on their peculiar odyssey through two years of government, Jaroslaw's nipples spontaneously flew from his chest and became lodged in a nearby wall. So expect regular mini-explosions during speeches about Smolensk in particular. He's becoming a one-issue politician and will stand down as leader of the party this year and form the Lech Kaczynski Institute of Truth. I predict.

Prime Minister Donald Tusk will score the winning goal for Poland in a penalty shoot-out with Germany in the finals of Euro 2012.

You can see him training in the photo above.

Poland are so short of any half-decent players – and in fear of being eliminated in the group stage of the competition, and watch TV audiences, and advertising revenue, plummet for the rest of the championships – the Polish football association has called on the services of Donald Tusk, or 'Tusko' to his footie friends, as midfield play maker.

Watch Jaroslaw Kaczynski, and others, claim the government is all media appearances and no substance.

Well, I suppose he had to get something right, on a rule of averages.

Next – er...Part 2