Idiots guide to Polish elections Part I

First part of an occasional series on possibly the weirdest bunch of politicians in the world. Maybe.

Being an idiot is not a disadvantage when trying to understand the Polish political scene. In fact, it maybe an advantage.

So if Polish politics makes you feel a little nauseous, disorientated, maybe even depressed, then the beatroot is here to help.

You see, Poland is a land that has been making up for a lack of elections before 1989 – due to the intervention of something called Soviet communism – by having quite a few ballots and governments since 1989. The last government has only lasted two years.

Poles have always loved Italian style – although they prefer their shoes, clothes and architecture to their short – lived governments and coalitions.

Shame then that they seemed to have inherited Italian politics without the style.

Now the Poles have been called upon to give the consent on October 21 to yet another one.

Maybe less than half the electorate will bother. But what are the issues that they will be expected to drag themselves the polling booths this time?

Economy

The Polish economy grew by over 7 percent between January and the end of March this year.

That’s good.

The Law and Justice government claim that this is something to do with them.

That’s bull.

But the government is claiming that because the economy is growing so fast this means that more tax will be coming into the government coffers, which means that they can increase spending on protecting the rural east of the country from the ravages of the market (one of their main constituencies) the poor, state sector etc…

They sound like a bunch of socialists, but they would probably punch you on the nose if you accused them of this. They are, after all, made up of the conservative faction of the Solidarity movement.

The main opposition party, Civic Platform - a small state, but still socially conservative party (also made up of another Solidarity faction) - think that the growth in the economy is all to do with Poland joining the EU three years ago. They aim to cut taxes, cut public spending and shaft the poor. Used to believe in a low, flat tax policy but are now a little bit scared of being so open about this as it seems to have pissed off many voters.

Corruption

Jaroslaw Kaczynski thinks that he is the modern day Josef Pilsudski – who presided over the Sanacja regime between the two world wars in Poland.

The Sanacja regime attempted a "moral sanitation" of the newly reborn Polish nation, and Kaczynski has got it into his head that post communist Poland needs a moral sanitation to sweep the place clean of …well….post communists.

The Polish post communists – i.e. rich people – say the Kaczynski brothers, are a bit like Russian oligarchs, who got their sweaty hands on the newly capitalist economy post 1989. - except they are not nearly wealthy enough to purchase Chelsea FC or any other English football clubs – like real oligarchs like Abramovich.

The post communists and liberals have carved up Poland in their interests and are nasty and corrupt and ….nasty – say Kaczynski-ites.

The Kaczynski brothers have promised to clean up Poland like Travis in Scorsese’s Taxi Driver wanted to clean up New York (and sweep the post communist/liberal scum from the streets of Warsaw).

The opposition maintains, however, that the government is using the police, prosecution services, and the secret services, to intimidate and harass political opponents.

The ex-communist Left says that it wants to restore order in Poland. Shame then that everyone thinks they are a corrupt bunch of shits....

Foreign Policy

The Law and Justice government is accused of creating the worst relations between its immediate neighbors – Germany and Russia – since 1989, and the EU generally regards Warsaw as a bit of a circus freak.

The opposition - both centre right and ex-communist left – wants to restore better relations with Berlin and seek to calm down antagonisms with President Putin.

Religion

The government believes that the true character of the Polish nation can be found in its Catholicism. It has been very close buddies with Radio Maryja, who many believe is less pro-Catholic than anti-Semite.

But never mind: when you are a government that seems to have virtually no friends in the mainstream media, then the extremes are going to be attractive.

Only problem is: the head of Radio Maryja, Father Rydzyk, was exposed via a tape recently telling a group of students in his ‘media school’ that the First Lady, Maria Kaczynski, is ‘a witch’ and the president was too accommodating to the ‘Jewish lobby’

The opposition says that with friends like that, then who needs enemies?

Rydzyk has refused to apologize for his wayward comments, although a commonly heard joke maintains he has.

Rydzyk rings up the Presidential Palace, residence of President Lech Kaczynski. Lech picks up the phone.

Rydzyk: Hello, is that Prime Minister Jaroslaw Kaczynski?

President: No, actually it’s his twin brother, Lech.

Rydzyk: Oh, sorry [puts phone down]…

You see…he did apologize after all …